The Thin Line

Old Photos I've Never Seen

I've been going through photos. I'm not even half-way through the 24,000+ files. The goal is to delete a third of those files (although it would be much better if I could slice my collection in half and burn some sets on CDs and DVDs).

It's surprisingly not as painful and tiring as I thought it would be. There was a long weekend when I stayed at home, plugged in my favorite full-size headphones into a small amp, and browsed through my songs in Itunes.

And THAT was draining. Some songs go as far back to long drives with my family when I was a child. Too many memories are particularly draining to me. Some songs were downright painful to hear and I literally had to walk out of my apartment for air. Some songs reminded me of really huge mistakes in my life.

In my photos though, so far, I've seen a lot of people of the past five years or so. Some lost or gained weight. Some got uglier or prettier. But in general, browsing through years of photos is proving to be a good sort of journey. I'm seeing photos that I only remember importing into my hard drive and yet had never really seen.

Mission Statement

(Originally created on Sunday, 23 Septeber 2001, towards the end of summer.)

1. Align priorities with your chosen principles and values.
2. Maintain a clean, orderly, yet comfortable environment.
3. Be good to family and friends.
4. Be honest. Always.
5. Live reasonably below your means.
6. Be proactive.
7. Keep an open mind.
8. Always maintain a positive outlook.
9. Work on a new skill every so often.
10. Be humble.
11. Be sensitive to the feelings of others.
12. Walk away from an anger-inducing situation.
13. Never let pride take over.
14. Never dwell on past mistakes, but learn from them.
15. Never put love on hold.
16. Channel frustration into problem-solving energy.
17. Honor the institutions and organizations to which you belong, and uphold its ideals.
18. Ask for the counsel of wise men.
19. Seek and merit divine help.
20. Strive for perfection, but balance your efforts with wisdom and pragmatism.
21. Never fear failure. More importantly, never resign to it, either.

(Originally created on Sunday, 23 Septeber 2001, towards the end of summer.)

1. Align priorities with your chosen principles and values.
2. Maintain a clean, orderly, yet comfortable environment.
3. Be good to family and friends.
4. Be honest. Always.
5. Live reasonably below your means.
6. Be proactive.
7. Keep an open mind.
8. Always maintain a positive outlook.
9. Work on a new skill every so often.
10. Be humble.
11. Be sensitive to the feelings of others.
12. Walk away from an anger-inducing situation.
13. Never let pride take over.
14. Never dwell on past mistakes, but learn from them.
15. Never put love on hold.
16. Channel frustration into problem-solving energy.
17. Honor the institutions and organizations to which you belong, and uphold its ideals.
18. Ask for the counsel of wise men.
19. Seek and merit divine help.
20. Strive for perfection, but balance your efforts with wisdom and pragmatism.
21. Never fear failure. More importantly, never resign to it, either.

Why I'm Still Running

A couple of months ago, I decided:

1. I need to take more pictures again.

2. I need to go back to writing and blogging more.

3. I need some kind of last will and testament.

The short version of the story is that I thought I had cancer. For what seemed like a long time, I had to rethink my plans for the year.

But after visiting my physician's clinic a few times and seeing a couple of specialists in the span of 2-3 months, I found out there was really nothing wrong with me. The irony in this was that I saw a general practitioner for a physical with the specific intention to confirm that I was perfectly healthy -- that I wouldn't kill myself with my pseudo-athletic aspirations. I went through the requisite stages of disbelief, sadness and sometimes anger.

But there were also mornings when I woke up full of energy and a renewed spirit. I wanted to create photos again. And I wanted to write. If I really were dying, I made up my mind to try to be inspiring instead of depressing before I bit the dust.

Of course, when it turned out that the labs that did the screenings screwed up their work, and I was generally more than just a little annoyed aside from relieved. I was back to my old self. Despite the roller coaster experience of passing one screening and going into another, it seemed like the thought of dying early probably made me feel a little more alive.

. ~ . ~ .

If you ask me why I joined the half marathon, it's simply because I decided I can, even if I had to walk parts of it. It was part of my original plan anyway. I was listening to my body for some time, and I was thinking of just doing the 8k at Phily again. I looked at the calendar a few weeks ago and saw that it was exactly 12 weeks before the event. I had time to train, so I registered.

During the jittery months of waiting on tests and screenings, I went about life as normally as I could. I accepted the fact that there would have to be changes. I was already being too careful about my running, and I had doubts about a lot of other things I wanted to do as well. I was still looking into buying an apartment while also trying to get used to the idea that my next step might be to quit my job, move closer to family, and maybe travel with my camera.

But I became more positive. I thought that, whatever it was that was wrong with me, it had to be easily survivable at this day and age. Life would go on, and if it didn't, nobody guaranteed how long you had in life anyway. There was that one moment at Central Park while we were doing our pre-run stretching. I was looking around at the runners who were clearly a lot fitter than me. And I remembered that every time I started running on a bad day, I told myself "This is not my sport. I am not a real runner. I need a bike."

But I also started thinking, "I'm so blest." I can run. I'm not as fit I wanted to be, but I was fit enough. Not only that, I can still enjoy a lot of other activities that were far less masochistic than training runs.

I felt really good about myself. At my level of fitness, the runner's six pack will have to wait, but as far as I knew, I was in perfectly good health. I get out of work and return to the park because I can. And even if it's not up-to-par to some Nike runners' standards, I was running because I can.

The Persistence of Memory II

At the 5th Ave. 7 train station, I found myself hurrying down the steps and missing the Queens-bound train by seconds.

The train heading the opposite direction rolled in, and I had this confused idea that it would be the same train that would be heading back my direction. So I boarded the train, and in a few minutes I was at the Times Square stop, missing the express train back to Woodside. Then, as if by a nudge of fate, I found myself walking out of the subway car, exiting the station, and strolling along 42nd St.

Then this odd realization came to me: I never felt so peaceful in months. 

It seems lately, I've been going back and retracing my steps a lot. It's been a while since I last walked around Times Square after work. But in my first few years in New York, I walked through Times Square regularly. I worked in Secaucus and I used to go to the New York Sports Club branch at 41st, next to the Nederlander Theater -- where Rent was performed before the show closed curtain for good last weekend. 

Then I grabbed a quick and cheap dinner, like a chicken sandwich or something from Yoshinoya (not really that healthy, but I'm a sucker for that fatty, shredded Grade C/D beef dish they served), and went home. 

I think I had never been content lately as I was back then. Life was simpler. After a long day of work, I sometimes fell asleep on the bus from Secaucus (going through the Lincoln tunnel during rush hour by bus does that to me). I did yoga on Mondays, lifted weights a couple of days during the week. I was still gung-ho with tennis then also. And then I bought my first digital SLR, the Nikon D70.

I've been trying not to remember, but there are early mornings when I wake up with crystal-clear memories and very old, familiar thoughts and feelings. I remember those first two or three years in New York. 

And then sometimes I'd wake up with California in my head. I dreamed of commutes across highway 101 to work at the Valley. And then a dinner at Palo Alto. And then North Beach at San Francisco. And then fireworks, okonomiyaki at Japan Town, the first Spiderman movie and a really good burger. And then sometimes that mild euphoria while I drove to San Francisco at night for the first time. 

So at Times Square hours ago, it was an odd feeling. I was standing by the sidewalk along 42nd St facing the AMC theater from across the street. The weather being perfect and the sidewalk not as congested as I remembered, I just stood there for minutes almost completely oblivious of everyone and everything else. Then I found myself crossing the road and right at the middle of the cross walk, I looked to my right at the stretch of empty road towards 8th Avenue and stopped. 

For a second I wish I had my D70 with me. Not the D200, but the older camera. And I wished it was four years ago again and I had my D70 only for a few months. And I stuffed the camera in my old tennis backpack that morning. Or I had just gone out of the gym and was walking around with my first iPod.

Happiness and Change

"I read this study where they followed people who won the lottery, and people who had become paraplegic, right. You'd think that... you know, one extreme is gonna make you... euphoric, and the other suicidal. But the study shows that after about 6 months, as soon as people got used to their new situation, they were more or less the same.

"Like if they were basically an optimistic, jovial person, they're now an optimistic, jovial person, in a wheel chair. If they're a petty miserable asshole, ok, they're a petty miserable asshole with a new Cadillac, a house and a boat."

- Jesse (Ethan Hawke) in Before Sunset

Concrete Goals for 2008

I'm listing my goals right here -- the not-so-personal ones anyway. In no particular order:

Must-Do Goals

1. Get more organized. Need to schedule and note things on a calendar application such as iCal or Google Calendar.

2. Buy my own place. This is long-overdue.

3. Run a variety of races, including my first half-marathon this year.

4. Weight-training and conditioning in the gym coupled with running training outside whenever possible.

5. Take more photos. Probably get back into street photography and black and whites (my first love in photography).

6. Replace this blog with my professional web presence -- omething built from scratch utilizing everything I know about the web and more.

7. Travel a little. At least to the beach, but I would love to see Europe -- especially Greece and the Vatican.

Additional Goals

(This depends on remaining time, energy and money.)

1. Play more tennis. At least twice a week when tennis season starts (or at least a lot more often than 2007).

2. Upgrade my car. This depends on what happens to my funds after I get in debt with a mortgage (Must-Do Goal #2).

3. Finally set up that photography or web design business -- or both -- on the side. This requires my web presence (Must-Do Goal #6 above).

4. Travel even more if the money and the vacation time agrees with me.

5. Learn how to swim.

6. Take up biking. Get an inch closer to becoming a duathlete -- or at least use biking for cross-training for my running.